(Photo by Howard Leaman)
I sat in the salon chair, face mask in place, and looked in the mirror. My first haircut in over three months and the gray stripe of my one-inch roots glared against the thicket of my limp brown curls. Not quite the bride of Frankenstein, but close enough for discomfort.
“I’m embracing the gray,” I told Seth, my stylist. I felt a twinge of apprehension.
“Many women are making the choice to go gray now,” he said, reassuring me. Every time I’ve mentioned my plan to my friends and family, I’ve felt bold, defiant, followed by, seriously, what the hell am I thinking?
The pandemic and sheltering in place have forced me to confront something that I’ve been considering for the past few years. How much longer will I dye and highlight my hair? Not only is it expensive and time-consuming, but to me, the dark brown against my fair complexion seems inauthentic – obvious that I’m trying to pass for younger than I really am. I’ve often joked that I don’t want to look like Lady Bird Johnson as I age, but I couldn’t figure out the best time to make the transition to gray.
Enter the pandemic.
The first month, as my gray roots emerged, I considered touching them up but wondered, why? I wasn’t leaving the house, and on Zoom, nobody noticed. Besides, there were, and are, millions of people around the world getting sick and hundreds of thousands dying, losing their jobs, or going hungry. My hair was not important. As the weeks morphed into months, I welcomed the idea of going natural. No more dyeing, foils and sitting for hours in the salon. Becoming gray would be a symbol of the pandemic — an embodiment of before and after.
As my hair kept growing, so did my resolve. I’d finally accepted the fact that I was eligible for “senior hour” at grocery stores, but fears crept in. What if I look old? What if nobody recognizes me? What if snarky comments are whispered behind my back? I tried to ignore these nagging thoughts. Going from dark brown to gray is no small thing.
It turns out, there are many shades of gray: snowy, platinum, marbled, smoky, salt and pepper, pewter, mushroom, and antique, just to name a few. It will take months — a slow reveal — to see what type of gray fully grows in. Will my gray suit my complexion?
I asked my husband if he could Photoshop basic gray hair onto a photo of me, but he was afraid he’d botch it and I’d look worse in the picture. He’s been supportive of my decision and has encouraged the “new” me. Maybe that’s because we’ve been together 24/7 for months on end and if I change my appearance it will be like living with a different person.
After someone told me that going gray was a trend, I immediately googled, “movie stars going gray” and found out Jamie Lee Curtis, 61, my age, has embraced her gray. So have Jane Fonda, Helen Mirren, and Salma Hayek – ten years younger than I am. Not to mention many male actors. I couldn’t believe that I actually cared about this.
But, knowing it’s a trend made me feel better about my choice. I don’t want to stay trapped in the never-ending cycle of dyeing and highlighting, especially if we have to re-shelter in place. Then, I’ll be confronted with the decision all over again. I don’t want to spend hours in a salon where the virus may be lurking. Get in and get out. Don’t breathe indoor air. Don’t linger.
So, what am I hoping will happen if I stop coloring my hair? That my genuine self will emerge. That I will embrace my age. That my attitude will change, and I will finally be the mature woman that I am. I’ll shed my insecurities and anxiety. I’ll become wise and full of compassion.
Is this too much to ask from hair color?
After cutting off three months’ worth of hair growth, Seth said, “it’s coming in salt and pepper” and he assured me that with my coloring, this will compliment my skin tone. I looked at my short curly hair with its streaks of gray and smiled. If Jamie Lee Curtis can pull it off, I can too.
Mission accomplished — full-on gray! (re-post of July 20, 2020 essay)
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